Thing 5

Officially caught up...thank you very much. Today was such a weird day- full of ups and downs. I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and at first it was difficult to get into and then it would have a great line or part here or there and now, it is soo good and has been so inspirational. I had a BAM moment today. These are moments where I remember to ask the universe for what I want or need and BAM I get it just like that. Or an answer comes to me because I asked. I am always awed when this happens. I felt like I got some clarity. I have a situation that is like a drug. I am in a kind of pain that I didn't know existed. A pain that will not go away, there is no pill to mask it, no walking it off. It stays with me most of the time. I cannot be still and I am so uncomfortable in my skin that I am not even able to be present most of the time. I have a few things that make it go away and like a drug, they are not healthy for me, they make me so unhappy when I can't have them. I have been really struggling with the bright spot. I really have feelings for him. I thought today, ok so what if he said "what do you want?" how would I answer that? And truthfully I don't know. Do I want him? Another relationship? Just a boyfriend? Or just exactly what it is now? I think I freak out when I want him to be more and he isn't or when I want him and he doesn't. Why doesn't he love me, damn it? And what would I do if he did? He really is a good guy, i think- when he's with me, it's really nice and good but I don't have him- and when he is gone I feel worse.

Thing 5-

I am grateful for Happy and my BAM moment today was awesome