Thing 5

Officially caught up...thank you very much. Today was such a weird day- full of ups and downs. I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and at first it was difficult to get into and then it would have a great line or part here or there and now, it is soo good and has been so inspirational. I had a BAM moment today. These are moments where I remember to ask the universe for what I want or need and BAM I get it just like that. Or an answer comes to me because I asked. I am always awed when this happens. I felt like I got some clarity. I have a situation that is like a drug. I am in a kind of pain that I didn't know existed. A pain that will not go away, there is no pill to mask it, no walking it off. It stays with me most of the time. I cannot be still and I am so uncomfortable in my skin that I am not even able to be present most of the time. I have a few things that make it go away and like a drug, they are not healthy for me, they make me so unhappy when I can't have them. I have been really struggling with the bright spot. I really have feelings for him. I thought today, ok so what if he said "what do you want?" how would I answer that? And truthfully I don't know. Do I want him? Another relationship? Just a boyfriend? Or just exactly what it is now? I think I freak out when I want him to be more and he isn't or when I want him and he doesn't. Why doesn't he love me, damn it? And what would I do if he did? He really is a good guy, i think- when he's with me, it's really nice and good but I don't have him- and when he is gone I feel worse.

Thing 5-

I am grateful for Happy and my BAM moment today was awesome

Thing 4

Saturday was up and down. My kids are gone and I worked, first customer of the day was a yeller but somehow it doesnt phase me much. In the past I would have cried or let it ruin my day but it doesn't really affect me much anymore. I wish I could protect my heart like that. I went to dinner at Beth and Greg's and spent a nice evening with friends. They made such a nice dinner and I was happy for them as a couple. I know they are struggling too but I really hope they, or she, doesn't give up. He loves her so, I can see it.

Thing 4-

I am grateful for good friends to spend time with who love me and love each other.

Thing 3

Friday was a pool day, a sunshine day and a fun day with my kids. I am grateful that I have these summers- I will always remember them. I hope they do too. Friday was easy-

Thing 3- I am grateful for easy days

Behind on the things...

Ok, so this will not be as easy as I thought. The past several days have been up and down as usual in my life. Thursday night was really nice. I had my stepmother come by for wine and a snack and it was really nice to visit with her and she was able to be a really nice support to me. She told me some things about my dad that I never knew. We talked about my divorce and her advice was to focus on my kids and stay present. Advice I have heard so much. It is easy to follow when we are all having a good day but on the hard days- man is it hard. I think it is the best course to follow at this point, and I will do my best to be there for my kids and make sure they are happy.

Thing 2- I had a really good person reach out to me today. She came over, brought food and wine and shared so much good advice with me. I am grateful and blessed.

Thing 1

Two days ago, on the summer solstice (beginning of summer and totally appropriate) I became officially divorced. Great! The past year has been a constant struggle but there have been lots of good spots and one bright spot in particular (off and on). It seems I choose to focus on the negative instead of all the good things that I do have and any accomplishments I have made for myself, well there must have been a mistake, right? So to move forward I will focus on the good, the happy and what I want to draw into my life. Let's see if Mike Dooley is right, will thoughts become things??

Thing 1-

Today my son Ian made me laugh til I cried. He is so smart and so funny and I am blessed to have him in my life.